(In my previous post, I suggested a process when we respond to parents if they contact us concerning grievances, or concerns about how a particular teacher has handled their child. In this post, I take up the situation when we as principals must contact parents to meet about a serious disciplinary incident, including the possibility of expulsion. )What if WE must be the initiators of really bad news with parents?
FIRST, long before involving the parents, we must establish the facts. I can’t emphasize how important this is, to keep the future meeting with parents from becoming an “us vs. them” match or a “he said —she said.” If we walk into a meeting with a disputed set of facts, the meeting will go poorly. I guarantee it.
If we receive information from another source, we should get as many facts as possible from that source. If that source is a secondary one, we should press that person for as many details as we can, then get to the primary source. When did this happen? Where? How many kids were there? Were there any adults around? Can they confirm? Did a faculty member see something? Has it been discussed on social media? What are other kids saying? If it’s marijuana, where did her or she get it? From another student? Off-campus? How much did they obtain? We should press for every detail.
We should also consider if it's a school matter, or if it's a matter properly handled by parents. If it's more a parent matter, then we can go lighter on the "hard press" for truth. I don't wash my hands of it, as I want to pass on to parents what I know for the sake of their child, but if I am leaving it in their hands, then I don't need to reconcile differences or inconsistencies--rather, my role is to point those out and then leave it with them. I believe it's our responsibility to alert parents of any matter involving the health and safety of their child. But if it's not a school matter--if it happened off campus and the school's name is not involved--we alert the parents and leave it for them to handle, offering our support to them if they ask for it.
SECOND, assuming it's a school matter, I recommend we meet with the child, alone. We should tell him or her that “we’ve received some concerning information that we must act on, but before we do so, we need to treat them like adults, let them know what's going on, and give them the opportunity to tell us the truth.” If it’s not a question of expulsion, we should promise him or her that if he or she is honest, our discipline will be more lenient, though we’ll have to do something (and we must be true to our word!). In this meeting, before we begin to ask questions, we should tell assure him or her that we will not ask them for information about who else was involved, but that we will ask them to be truthful about themselves. Teenagers appreciate not being forced to “rat out” their friends. And truth is, we should be able to figure out other folks involved without asking them to do so. The one exception: If the issue is drugs, I will insist the child tell me who the dealer is. That’s a question of the health and safety of the student body.
If the child is evasive, we’ll need to be clever—perhaps even detective-like. We should drip out a single fact and ask the student to explain, never letting him or her know how many more facts we have or don't have. In the case of a group incident, we can’t give the culprits a chance to “get their stories straight.” The thing about lying is it takes a lot of effort to keep stories consistent, and the orchestrator of the lie must predict the questions we might ask. So I ask unpredictable questions! Two kids once came late to school, claiming they had “gone to Hardees for breakfast together, but their car broke down. “ I suspected they were simply skipping morning classes. “What did each of you have for breakfast at Hardees?” "How much did it cost?" "Who ate more?" I asked them a lot of questions like that, separately. They claimed they didn’t remember. “Of course you do—if you really just ate there.” I replied. So they guessed, but their partner in crime guessed differently. Turned out the “Hardees” cover wasn’t sustainable.
Once we’re begun an investigation, we must keep all parties separate, with no phone text access.
The aim is to get the kid to admit to something, even if he or deliberately downplays the extent his involvement. He only smoked one joint. She had just one beer. Once the foot is in the door, we can press for more. If we can’t establish a reliable set of facts, then we should stop and pursue more leads. Otherwise, the most we are going to be say to the parent is that we have a “troubling rumor that we cannot confirm, but that we cannot keep from you as parents.”
THIRD, once the child admits his or her role, we should have the child call the parent over their cell phone while in our office, to explain what he or she has done (parents almost always answer their kid’s cell call). Let the parent interrogate the child to get the facts, or perhaps vent. We want to make sure the kid has told the parent everything. THEN, we get on the phone to schedule the meeting.
FOURTH, for the meeting, I suggest we meet only with the parents at first. The purpose is to seek out a kind of common ground so that when we bring the kid into the meeting, the school and parent can speak in “one voice.” I find that when the student is there from the beginning, a parent sees himself or herself as the child’s “advocate” against the school. I am trying to establish the opposite relationship—that the parents and school are allied together and agree the child’s behavior is unacceptable.
I usually ask the parent to repeat what the child told him or her about the incident, and then add any missing details thereafter. It's important we're talking about the same thing! I ask him or her to tell me what the conversation was between the two of them at home about the incident. I am trying to do several things with these questions: First, to empower the parent as an important person in this discussion. Second, I want to measure the level of “buy-in” the parent has with the school as to the seriousness of the event. Because I want us to speak in one voice, if I feel the parent is not quite with me, I may be willing to (privately) modify my final judgment—what I might have reasoned was a three day suspension, for example, I might modify to a two day if I think that can bring along the parent to the side of the school. I know many of my peers disagree with me on this, but I believe it’s crucial to try and establish a common ground. Otherwise, as soon as they get to the car, out of earshot, the parent will say (best case) “Yeah, they really went after you. but we’ll have to live with it.” Worst case? Well, let’s just say whatever chance this incident had to reset the trajectory of this kid’s life is zero.
FIFTH, particularly in really serious cases—long suspensions or expulsions—we should tell the parent what we’re “leaning toward, but haven’t made a final decision about, as we understand how important this is for your child, and I want some time to think and pray about it. “ I also invite the parent to react to where I am “leaning.” The fact that my decision isn’t “final” gives the parent a chance to absorb the information and include his perspective in my considerations. And most parents appreciate the fact we’re willing to think more and pray about it!
SIXTH, we should invite the student into the meeting. I usually reposition myself to sit next to the parent, facing the kid, so that the symbolism suggests we are both addressing the kid as one voice. If it's a possible expulsion, I tell them what I am considering, but that I am going to take a day to think and pray about it. And this isn’t merely “technique!”—I really do pray about it after we meet, giving me a chance to reflect on the meeting and the incident through that lens. It also gives us a chance to end the meeting more cordially! I ask the child if there is anything he or she wishes to say at that moment, giving him the chance to make a last minute appeal. We stand up, shake hands and I promise to contact the parent the next day, or Monday if the meeting is Friday.
SEVENTH, if it’s going to be an expulsion, I must talk through the matter with our superintendent, per policy. I find this step to be helpful. We care about kids, and expulsions are serious and difficult for us, a heavy weight to carry. I appreciate being able to share that weight with someone else.
EIGHTH, I email the parent the final decision. I don’t “justify” it in writing; the written justification will sound too trite to bring any consolation, and could be used against us. We have already reviewed the issues face to face. We’ve given both the parent and the child a chance to make their argument, and we’ve all had time to reflect and pray. I will not engage in an email argument post hoc. Time to move on. In the event of an expulsion, I sometimes give the parent the opportunity to withdraw the child for “personal” or “family” reasons so that “expulsion” is not on the child’s permanent record. This softens the sting some.They must write me a letter to this effect, which also has the effect of minimizing the chance of legal action. I would not make this offer, however, if I believe the child could be a threat to the health and safety of students in other schools.
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Why do all this?
It's tempting to look away, especially if the incident in question occurs outside the school "walls." But our mission is the moral and spiritual formation of our students, first and foremost, and these are important moments where if parents and school are in agreement, we can affect really positive change in our kids' lives. Even if the matter is purely a parent matter, if we come across information they should know, I think it's our responsibility is to give them the best information we can.
There are times, alas, when we simply can’t get to a place where the school and the parents agree. In these circumstances. I am apt to say: “My wife and I raised four children, and we love them dearly. But there were times when WE didn’t agree about the best way to discipline them. But we never doubted that each of us wasn’t trying to do what’s best for them. So it is, some times, between schools and parents. We both want what’s best for this child, but disagree, in this case, how best to handle the situation. In such cases, it's a question of whose decision it is, and supporting each other in our roles. Despite our disagreement, I hope you know I am trying to do what is best for your child from the perspective of my role as principal, just as I am sure you're acting for your child's best interest as parent. “
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