It’s likely one of the reasons there are more openings for principal via agencies such as Carney-Sandoe than any other time in my memory. Nothing fills us with quite as much dread as an upcoming meeting with a parent to discuss something that is unpleasant!
We are, after all, trying to create and sustain partnerships with parents to help their children become the kind of people God wants them to be. Core to our philosophy is that parents are “primary educators.” It may tempting to engineer a way around having the meetings with them over unpleasant things, but if we do that, we are abdicating our core mission.
So if we must have them, can we do things to improve their chance of success?
Yes! I’d like to share some tips about approaches that have worked for me over the 34 years I’ve been principal, president or headmaster of a Catholic high school. I should stress that every situation is different, and often requires improvisation and tact. Even so, I try to approach each of them as an opportunity to serve the family, and also to accentuate the mission of the school in its care for students. That’s sometimes difficult to remember when a parent comes in hot! But these can also be grace-filled moments where they can feel the “Catholic difference” in our school.
First, let me begin by distinguishing between a meeting initiated by a parent—usually about a teacher or coach —and meetings initiated by us, usually because of a disciplinary incident. Each one requires a different approach. (I'll. address the disciplinary meetings in my next blog).
WHEN PARENTS BRING ISSUES TO US
How do we respond when parents want to bring forward a concern or complaint? How do we handle raging emails?
FIRST, we must decide that if their concern is about a teacher, should we ask the parent to contact the teacher first? Normally, that's the right move, consistent with the principle of subsidiarity. But it's increasingly the case that the parent is too angry, the teacher is too frazzled, and the bad outcome is too predictable! Increasingly, we must take up the matter and help direct it to a resolution.
SECOND, if we're taking the lead, we should invite the parent to a face to face meeting at a time that works for his or her schedule, but at least a few days removed from whatever the incident was. The offer to meet directly is the first step in diffusing the parent’s anger: we respect that he or she has an important issue to discuss, setting aside our time to do so, and we’re working around his or her schedule, respecting his or her professional life. Meeting face to face also gives us the best chance of resolving the issue. Email won't cut it! I recommend meeting at least 48 hours removed from any “event” that prompted the parent to write us to help temper the emotions for all parties.
THIRD, we should resist the temptation to “get all the facts” in preparation for the meeting. In fact, I aim to go in as “cold” as I can as to “what happened” for two reasons. First, our most important behavior as principals is to actively listen to the parent’s concerns. Going into the meeting believing we know “what really happened” makes us appear closed-minded to what parents are saying. Second, it may well be the case that the ONLY thing we can do as principals is to promise the parents we will to sit down with the teacher and address their concerns, and we don’t want to have burned that option before we start! I will, however, prepare generally for the meeting, reviewing the child's academic history, test scores and most recent grades for greater context.
FOURTH, we should listen actively. I recommend a notepad to jot notes, which affirms the parent. We should ask for clarifications, re-state what he or she tells us, and at the end of his or her presentation, we should summarize “what I hear you saying is” and ask if our summary is accurate. We shouldn’t argue! At this point, we are just listening!
But if the meeting devolves into attacking my character or the integrity and character of our teachers, then we should confront that quickly and firmly. My “go to” line is, “I am happy to discuss ways in which we can better serve your child. But if this meeting is going to be a personal attack, then I suggest we reschedule it for another time.” And if the attacks continue, I simply stand up and walk to the door, indicating the meeting is over. Once I had a mother tell me, “I’m not leaving.” So I said, “That’s fine, but I am.” And I left, leaving her there, sitting alone in my office. It’s important to emphasize we’re partners: we work with our parents, but not for them. A Board member, with a daughter in our school, once called me from a remote job location to complain about a math teacher. When I answered, he said, “Faustin, what the hell are you guys doing to my daughter?” I said, “Jim (not his real name), you’re obviously not in the right frame of mind to talk. Let’s talk tomorrow.” And I hung up on him. He called the next day, apologized, and we had a productive face to face meeting when he was back in town. We should be kind, patient and forgiving of parents! But we should not allow ourselves to be doormats, nor should we give parents a forum to attack the integrity of our faculty.
FIFTH, if the child is middle school or older, I suggest that we talk with the child after the meeting, one on one, to get the child’s point of view. I do NOT include the child in the original meeting with parents. That’s because it’s often the case that the child exaggerates what happened, partly for sympathy, sometimes to diminish his or her responsibility, partly just to whine, or partly for the sheer mischief of it (I had 4 teens!). If the child must repeat his complaints in front of his parents and me, he or she will feel pressure to tell the things the same way. If the child is emotional, it will only fuel the parent’s protective instinct and rage. So I prefer to talk privately with the kid, without anyone else present. When I do, I often get a much more balanced story, straight from the source. And it helps the student know that I am taking an interest in him or her.
SIXTH, we should assure the parent that we will talk with the teacher to address his or her concerns, to get the “teacher’s perspective” and get back to them.
SEVENTH, where we can, we should try and “task” each person to do something, so that each of us has “skin in the game. “ If the kid is staying up too late to do homework, we might ask the parents to impose some sort of reasonable “lights-out” time. We might ask the student to begin attending after school tutorials to improve his chance for success. We might ask the teacher to create a review sheet for the next test to help the student study more effectively. We might promise to follow up ourselves. I believe multiple tasking communicates that we are working together, in a partnership, to solve the problem.
EIGHTH, in my private meetings with the teacher, I am supportive but candid. If a teacher has made a mistake, I will ask him or her to seek the student out and apologize. Teaching is tough. I tell them that just like parents, we get frustrated with kids from time to time, and just like parents, we sometimes end up saying things we wish we should take back. But most of the time, the teacher has acted in good faith—it’s just that the child, seeing through a child’s lense, has interpreted the situation differently, often in the least flattering terms for the teacher. A teacher’s teasing, for example, may be misunderstood and re-presented to a child’s parents as a biting, bitter remark, if divorced from context. It’s helpful for teachers to know how they are being perceived, and to make adjustments accordingly!
NINTH, we must get back to the parent once we’ve had all the meetings. I would normally do so through email, summarizing what the child said, the teacher said, and then my own remarks. We should compliment the child warmly in the process for anything worthy of compliment—their honesty, their pluck, their sense of humor, anything worthy of genuine praise. It helps the parent see we care for the child—which opens the parent to trusting our judgment. Our “summary” should steer away from the past, which is too often about who’s to blame, and instead focus on the plan ahead.
TENTH—This is key! We should put a note on our calendar and follow up in a couple of weeks. I prefer to do so with the student, but on occasion, I do so with the parent. “Hey,” I ask the student. “Remember what we discussed a few weeks ago. How are things going? Is it better? Are you still holding up your end? ” The kid really appreciates that, as does the parent. First, it should be our concern to know things are better! But it also tells the student and the parent that we have truly taken their issue seriously—that they haven’t simply been “handled.”
For Part II, when we as principals must call a meeting with parents regarding some sort of serious disciplinary incident.
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